Dear Son,

Dear Son,

Did you know that when you pee first thing in the morning, it sprays out in a fan shape straight up in the air? All over the bathroom? How could you have not noticed this? Do you have any idea how all this dirt got onto the wall? Hmm, me neither. It appears to be one of those mysterious, unexplainable things. Why is there toothpaste on the dog? Ah.

No, "caveman" is not a viable career option. Yes, you can be a garbage man if you want to. Oh! What a pretty collage! .... Umm... Where did you get those beads?

Please do not download any more poker games onto my Blackberry. Because I said so.

If you're going to kill each other, do it outside so blood doesn't get on the furniture. There. See? Press on it till the bleeding stops.

We are not leaving for the party until you have underwear on. No you don't, it is still on your bed. I know, invisible aliens with magic powers must have removed your boxers from under your jeans when you weren't looking! Careful unzipping your .... Ow. That's gotta hurt.